Memories
by DramaBabe25eo
Summary: This was just an idea that i had with the impending departure of Chris. It was originally meant as a one-shot but my mind took me elsewhere.
1. Chapter 1

_**This was just an idea that I came about about the impending departure of Chris. Not sure where it's going at the moment. It was originally intended to be a one-shot but my mind got the better of me. I haven't update 'Elaborate Lives' , Ten Minutes Ago, or Welcome to the Future' and it's been mainly because of my grandmother suffering a massive heartattack and having double bypass surgery. That and I was sort of distracted and started another story but not an SVU . I have chapters written for all of them and just need to spell check them and post them. Please be patient with me. Would love to hear what you all thing of this one. – DramaBabeEO25**_

_Memories. _That was all she had left. After twelve years, all she had left were memories. No more partner to talk to, to laugh with, and to share things with. No more best friend. When he left, a part of her slowly died away in her. She wasn't the same strong, dependent and stubborn detective that she once was.

Four years. Four years since she last walked into the place she once called work. A place where she had 'family'. A place she always looked forward to going to each morning. Four long years, since the day she walked into work, to an empty desk across from her. She tried working with Fin and John but it just wasn't the same. And working with a rookie straight out of the academy, drove her up the wall. She just couldn't take it any more. Things were different. And she didn't like the changes one bit. She just couldn't do her job anymore. She didn't want to do it anymore. She didn't want to do it without him.

So she got up one morning and wrote her letter of resignation. She hated writing it. This job had once meant everything to her. Now it meant nothing. It was just another job. A job in which she would leave behind. There was just point of staying when she wasn't the same detective she had been for those twelve years. And god, how she tried to move past it. But damn it, it was just too hard.

No goodbyes, no explanations, no nothing as to why he left. If this was what he felt when she left for Oregon, that she didn't like any of it one bit. She couldn't stand it. But she came back. And it didn't seem like he was.

Fin and Munch would stop by on occasions, just to check in on her. And Cragen, made it a daily routine, that he would check on her before heading into work. They all knew that as much as she claimed, she wasn't 'fine'. There was no more 'glow' to her. It had be replaced with a more sour like disposition. No more of the smiles, when she laughed. No more jokes, no more teasing John. It all went out the window.

There were some mornings were she didn't even want to get out of bed. But for reasons being, she did. If she could, she would never leave her bed. Hell, she rarely went out anymore, Unless it was for groceries and other items she may have needed. She couldn't stand another year like this. She had to get out and find another job, other than the one she had before.

Cragen always made it a chance to offer her old job back, every chance he had. He knew the only reason she left was because of him. And truth be told, he didn't like the fact that he even left in the first place. And like her, he was given no reasons as to why he was leaving in the first place.

Something needed to change. She couldn't keep going on like she was. It was to dull, dark and boring. So on the day that she chose to go down to the station, nothing would be the same after that.

It seemed all to quite in the station house. Any other time, there was a buzzing of noises floating around the room. John and Fin would be going at it, like normal.

But now, the two detectives simply sat across from one another in silence. Only to ask questions when they absolutely needed to.

Cragen was, as always, in his office with the door closed. It seemed like the only time you actually saw him anymore was when they caught a new case. Even the work seemed to slowly start to dry up.

She never dressed the way she had for work. Now it was always, oversized sweatshirts paired with slightly baggy sweatpants. And that wasn't like her at all. Maybe for lounging around the house in, but not out in public. Everything was turned upside down. And there was no chance of it turning the right side up, Everything was backwards. No one had seemed to notice the absence of one detective, would cause such a change reaction.

Wait a minute. Something was different and she could feel it. At least she thought she did. She was too distracted with trying to figure out what was different about the place, that she had failed to notice the box now sat on, what was once her partner's desk. Or that a thick yellow manila envelope now laid on her own desk, addressed to her.

"It just came." Said Fin. And it had. He had been there at his desk when it was dropped off. Just like he knew who had dropped it off and was now in Cragen's office. And just whose box was now on the desk across from her own. And it was taking everything in him, not to tell her.

"Cragen still hiding out in his office?" was all she had to say at the moment.

"Yeah, but this time with someone. Supposedly you're new partner." Replied Fin. The minute the surprise person was revealed, he knew she would be taking back that letter of resignation in a heartbeat.

"Why would I need a new partner? I don't work for the department anymore, remember?" said Olivia.

"No, but you might after you find out who it is." Smiled Fin.

"I really don't care who it is. I'm done with this job. And as much as I appreciate constantly being offered my job back, it's just not the same. I'm not the same." Said Olivia. Fin once again, just smiled.

If this was where the conversation was headed, then it would be better to just turn and leave. She really didn't care what the manila envelope's contents contained. As far as she was concerned, it wasn't worth opening.

It was just another piece of paper that she could just throw on her table and leave sitting there. Until her curiosity got the better of her. Then she would have no choice but to open the damn thing.

Not even ten minutes later, she was already pulling into the garage of her apartment complex. Anything but sleep was good at this point.

Maybe cleaning on the thing she called a table, which was now buried under all the papers she had just left laying there. It was about four years of mail there. Adding one more piece wasn't going to hurt it.

While she was home doing almost nothing. Cragen sat in his office, mouth hanging open as to the person now in front of him. After a four year absence, he was now back and in his office. This wasn't going to help her in any way imaginable. She still hadn't gotten used to life without him. And now, of all times, he returns out of the blue.

"Four Years. Four years since you went a wall. No nothing. Not such a word as to why, where and when if you were coming back. Now all of a sudden, you're standing in my office?" said a slightly angry, Cragen. And he had every reason to be.

"I couldn't. And I shouldn't have left like I did. But I had no other option." Was all he had to say.

"Well, then, that's nice for you now isn't, detective. Because while you disappeared out of the damn blue, everything else here fell apart. Munch keeps talking about retiring, Fin hasn't said much sine your little disappearing act. And that partner of yours? I don't even know where to start." Yelled Cragen.

"Munch has always talked about retiring though." Laughed Elliot.

"I'm glad you find this rather amusing because no one else thinks its funny. And if you're here for you damn job back, you better have one hell of a reason as to why I should give it back to you. Because after all the shit you caused in the past four years, I have no reason to." Yelled Cragen.

"Okay, so it's not funny. I'm sorry. I know I should have at least said something to you before I up and left. That was wrong on my part. I gladly accept that. I don't expect to get my job back." Said Elliot. And he didn't either. After four years of being gone, he had no reason to be standing there at the moment, expecting him to give it back to him. Hell, he would rather surprised if he did.

"You still don't seem to get it, Stabler. You turned this damn unit upside down. Do you even have a fucking clue as to what your disappearance did to you're partner? Because if you had any clue, than you wouldn't be standing in front of me right now." Yelled Cragen.

He had no clue how his leaving effected her. And boy was he in for a rude awaking. More like a slap in the face. And he deserved it. From everyone that he stepped over in those past four years. But especially her.

He went to say something but was immediately cut off by his former boss.

"The minute you disappeared without any notice, you ripped her right apart. You left and everything else didn't seem to matter anymore. SHE FUCKING RESIGNED because of the shit you pulled. She hasn't been in this station house for four years. She's not the same person you up and left four years ago. She doesn't work here. She's bartending just to pay the damn bills. She no longer socializes with the rest of us. She hardly goes out and when she does, it's only for food and any necessary items that she needs. And my bet is, that she has to fight herself just to even get out of bed in the morning." Yelled Cragen.

"Okay, I Get it. I fucked up royally. I can't change that" replied Elliot.

"I swear to god, so help me, if you screw this up again, you'll be six feet under the ground in a cardboard box, is that clear?" yelled Cragen.

"Meaning?" asked Elliot.

"You really are thick headed. No wonder she always asked for a new partner whenever she got the chance. What do you think I mean?" said Cragen

What would be the point of coming back if she wasn't there? Sure, it mean being back in familiar surroundings. But nothing would be the same if she wasn't there. Across from him. Next to him in the field. How the fuck was he going to untangle this mess he created. And he needed to. Before everyone else that matter to him, chose to shut him out altogether. But right now, the one person he needed to see, talk to and be near. Was HER.

He could give her the heads up that he was here. Or even the fact that he probably was about thirty seconds away from showing up at her front door. But then again, if he didn't then there was going to be a blood bath. There was no way that this was going to go down without someone being chewed up and spat out.

Fair warning was probably the best option at this point. It was probably the smartest option at this point. She probably didn't need the surprise.

So rather than picking up the phone and telling her over the phone, telling her in person would probably be better. He left Fin and Munch in charge. He wouldn't be gone that long. Just long enough to warn her about him being back.

Good. He made it there before his former detective did. Not having much time, he quickly knocked on her door. Within three knocks, she answered. Rather surprised to see him behind the door at this time of day. Okay, so it wasn't really that late. But it wasn't early either. And normally, it would be nine if not later, before he ever left the station.

"Is something wrong?" asked Olivia. How the hell was he suppose to tell her that her former partner was back. Guess there really wasn't any other way to tell her, other than to just rip the band aid off real fast.

"Depends on what you consider wrong?" replied Cragen.

"That's never a good sign. Whatever it is, just spit it out. It's not like I'm going to up and leave out of the blue." Joked Olivia. Okay, so not the best of jokes. But still.

"I thought I would fair warn you before it decides to show up at your front door like I know it will." Said Cragen.

"Okay. So what or who is it that is supposedly going to show up at my door." Asked Olivia.

"You're old partner." Said Cragen.

She wasn't sure if she was hearing him right. She was rather hoping that she had heard him wrong. After four years, he decides to suddenly pop up again? What was he thinking?

"That can't be right. He left four years ago. Is this another one of John's sick jokes?" asked Olivia. By the look on her former boss's face, she knew the answer to that question.

"I know. But he is. He showed up in my office first thing this morning. I'm just as surprised and angry as you are. He gave none of us a reason, or explanation once so ever." Said Cragen.

She couldn't find the words to say. Yes, she was angry. And yes, she felt like once again, she was being pulled apart. But at the same time, she was rather shocked that he even came back in the first place.

"Just because he's back, doesn't mean I'm going to give him the time of day. Hell, he'll be lucky, I don't kill him." Replied Olivia. He knew more than well, that was most likely the answer she would have given him. Not that he didn't blame her. He was lucky that he himself didn't strangle him in his office.

"I probably should be getting back to the house. At least before Fin and John decide to do something stupid. You need anything after Stabler shows up, just call." Said Cragen.

Not forty five minutes later, there came more knocking on her apartment door. This time, she knew exactly who it would be. Let him hang out in the hall for awhile. She wasn't ready to let him in just yet. He had a lot of making up to do for the past four years.

Four years of hostility built up. Anger, frustration and among others, hostility. Is what she has felt for him in the past four years. And there was no way in hell, that he was just going to waltz threw the door and forget about the past four years. And even if he tried, it didn't mean that she would forget about those past four years.

Boy was he in for a rude awaking. And she was more that certain to give it to him. Loud and clear.

The knocking continued. And slightly louder than before. She knew that if she didn't open that door, that he would just continue to knock. He never was the most patient person in the world. Persistent, yes. Patient, not always. Might as well give him the chewing of a lifetime. Hell, she would probably get enjoyment out of doing so.

The minute she opened the door and saw him on the other side of the door, she already wanted to slam the door in his face. And she tried. But he stuck his foot in the way to stop the door from closing.

"GO AWAY AND GO NOW!" yelled Olivia.

"No. Not until I fix this." Replied Elliot.

"There's nothing to fix here. So get the hell out of my apartment." Said Olivia. She was too angry at the moment to even consider letting him in her apartment. Hell, at the moment, she just wanted to strangle him until he was good and blue.

Rather than answer her and get her even more angry, he quickly turned and was gone within a matter of seconds. Closing her door, she locked it and put the dead bolt on. Walking past her table with all the mail piled on it, once again, that damn manila envelope caught her attention. So she picked it up and carried it with her to her bedroom.

Getting comfortable in bed, she carefully opened the back of the envelope. She immediately recognized the handwriting as his. Did she really want to take the time to read whatever he wrote? What difference was it going to make if she chose to read of not? Might as well read it. Because if she didn't then her curiosity was just going to get best of her.

Nearly two pages of that handwriting. He better have one hell of an explanation somewhere in that damn writing. But with her luck, it would just be a bunch of bullshit that he felt he needed to come clean about. Why was he wasting time writing a two page letter to her, when he should have been spending that time with his own family. Not with the people that he thought of as family. God, did he infuriate her at times.

By the time she would even finish reading the damn thing, it would probably be 2am. And she would have to be at work by ten. Was it really worth losing the sleep over? Enough of this what if bullshit. She decided to just read it and get it done and over with.

_**I know I shouldn't have left like I did. With no explanation whatsoever. But I had no choice. Was it a mistake to do it that way? Then my answer is yes. But I couldn't say anything. Not to the Captain. Not even you. My hands were tied behind my back. It's not like I had any choice of the matter. There was too much going on and too much at stake. It wasn't worth taking the risk. Had I know the kind of effect my up and leaving four years ago, would have on everyone else, let alone especially you, then it would have been different. **_

Great. So now he had NO choice in leaving. Let alone the way he did. What was next? 'I was stupid, selfish and an arrogant son of a bitch?' Because in theory, that was what she was waiting to hear.

_**But I can't go back and undo the shit that I have caused in the period of four years. And obviously no one at the station is going to give me the slightest time of day. With every good reason not to. You think I wanted to be gone those four years? Do you really think that I wanted to leave like the way that I did? Without even saying something to you or anyone else as to why I left? It wasn't that easy to just up and leave like I did. I didn't want to. Hell, its not want I wanted to do. It's what I HAD to do. If I know you like I do then, then you've just started reading this. I shouldn't be even writing any of this on paper. I should be saying in person. But like I said, I know you and because I up and left four years ago, you've built walls up and have no intention of breaking them down anytime soon. And I'm not asking you too. All I'm asking is to hear me out. Well, maybe not actually hear me out but at least listen to what I've managed to write on this damn paper. There was too many things going on and all at once. Hell, I didn't even say anything to Cragen. Which probably has me in hot water as it. **_

He was rambling and even on paper, she could tell. What had yet to be seen, was the actual reasons for him up and leaving to begin with. Hopefully, he was say something as to the reason for his sudden departure. All people that she thought that would never leave, and it was him. If he didn't want to leave then why the hell did he? What were his reasons behind it? That's all that he managed to write on the first page of paper. Hopefully, the second would have more clear answers.

Just by skimming it over, she had already made the conclusion that it was just a repeat of the first page and she really didn't want to read the same thing over and over. Unless she absolutely had to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Explanations**

She was only half way threw the damn thing and she already wanted to crumble it up and throw it away. No matter what he had to say? She really didn't give a damn.

_**If I know you, then you're about thirty seconds away from crumbling up this letter and throwing it away. I know you don't give a damn as to what I have to say, even on paper, let alone in person. But it's not going to stop me from explaining. Like I said over and over previously, I had no choice. Kathy threw an ultimatum in my face and said if I didn't leave then she was talking the kids with her to her mother's. Her mother lives in god forsaking California and it was just not something I wanted to risk then. **_

Why did he say 'then'? What was that suppose to mean, let alone tell her? Why would he even care enough to come back if he knew what his leaving would do to everyone. He could have saved a lot of time and energy by just staying where ever the hell it was that he was at. He shouldn't have bothered to come back.

_**Not to mention the fact that Kathleen's moods seemed to intensify as they had been when she had gotten in trouble last. Eli was a mess with the teething. Lizzie got in with the wrong crowd and Dickie? Well, he got into his fair share of trouble. Maureen is away at school, this being her last. And supposedly living with her rather serious, boyfriend. **_

By the time she could read anymore, she found herself getting tired and barely able to keep her eyes open. So the letter remained on the floor until morning. And she would be lucky to even attempt at it. There really wasn't anything of importance in there. Just a long list of reasons he couldn't come back and why he had up and left. There really wasn't anything in there that said what clear reason made him pack up and come back all of a sudden.

She decided she would attempt at reading the rest either in the morning before she left for work or when she had a spare moment at work. WAIT. Bad idea. If she did finish reading it at work, then the first question out of his mouth would be, how she felt. And she really didn't feel like answering that question. Hell, she wasn't even sure that she still even wanted anything to do with him. He may be her partner at work again, but there was no way in hell, that things would just go back to being the way they were before he left. It would have to start all over and right now, she just wasn't sure that she even wanted to. At this point, she was just tired of being and getting hurt. Especially by the last person she ever thought who would hurt her. Enough was simply enough. No more of this getting hurt. No more simply caring about what people thought. None of it. She didn't want any part of it. It was a waste of time.

The only reason she was even going back to work at the 1-6, was because the money was sure as hell a lot better than what she was even making at the bar. And it was an environment that she knew all to well. Even working at the corner bar for three years, she still wasn't accustomed to being in or around. If she wanted to deal with stupidity on a daily basis, she would have stayed at the 1-6.

As much as she didn't like the idea of having to work with him again, after a four year absence, it was a job and that's all it ever was going to be. At least in her eyes.

Walking into the 1-6, the tension she had built up that morning, started to relax. And easiness took over. Fin was the first one to walk up to her.

"I knew you wouldn't stay away forever, baby girl." Smiled Fin. Fin was always the overprotective one over her, besides the captain.

"I take it that you're still not allowed to make or allowed anywhere near the coffeetable, John." Laughed Olivia.

"She's back." Smiled John.

"Did you just smile, Munch? Any other time you just look like a frozen statue dressed in black." Joked Fin.

She had seen him sitting there when she walked in. She wanted nothing to do with him at the moment. How she was going to get threw the next couple of hours, was going to be a grueling task. The sooner the day was over, the sooner she could get out of there. But it had just started.

She had already spoken with the Captain about coming back to work. She knew he would let her in a heartbeat. Hell, all of three of them had told she could come back at anytime. She threw her purse and jacket in her locker and took a seat at her own desk. Not once looking up at him.

One of them needed to break the ice. Might as well be him.

"Got you some coffee, Liv." Said Elliot. She hadn't seen the cup sitting on her desk. Now that she had, she knew what she wanted to do with it but throwing it on him at work would just cause trouble. Although at this point, she would rather throw it back on him then just throwing it away.

So she did. She got up from her desk and simply threw the hot cup off coffee on him. With no intention of apologize for it.

"I would rather have a cup of John's coffee then anything from you." Said Olivia. Fin and John just smiled. Cragen came out of his office to see what the big commotion was. And he himself was trying not to laugh. No such luck. She was definitely back. The personality, the strong and feisty Olivia Benson that they all knew.

It was definitely going to be an interesting couple of hours.

"You did deserve it, Stabler. You were just asking for it." Laughed Fin. He knew that. Just like he didn't expect her to talk to him anytime soon. And if she were to, then it was going to be out of anger, frustration and hostility.

"You don't think I already knew that? Fine, then, I'm changing shirts." Said Elliot.

"Only for something else to get thrown on you?" cracked John. Normally, this would have been where he would have lost his temper and gotten in John's face and Fin or Cragen would have to step in between the two men. But this time, he knew it was his fault. And he did deserve to have the coffee thrown back at him. Why he hadn't expected it, surprised him.

By the time he got back from changing his shirt, she was no longer sitting at her desk. And there was huge pile of paperwork sitting on his own.

"She went with John to see Melinda." Said Fin. He was just as mad and angry as the rest of them. But more for her sake. He was always the one that was watching out for her, the one being overprotective (besides Cragen). And when he up and left four years ago, he was the one there to help pick up the pieces.

Before the conversation could go any further, Casey walked threw the doors. Since Alex has transferred to a different unit, Casey had came back.

"What the hell are you doing back, Elliot? Aren't you suppose to be in hell right now?" snapped Casey.

"Been there and back. What happened with Alex?" asked Elliot.

"Ever since the Congo case, she's been working a different department. Have a problem with me?" asked Casey.

"No, never did. Was just asking that's all." Said Elliot.

"Plan on sticking around for awhile this time, Elliot? Or do you just plan on disappearing and then reappearing?" asked Casey.

Fin just snickered. She had a point thought. This time he better be sticking around for awhile. She couldn't handle him disappearing a second time.

"Your stuck with me until I either ACTUALLY retire or die first." Answered Elliot.

"Then I sure as hell hope it's the second rather the first." Said Casey. And she meant it just the way she had said it. She meant it and almost meant it as a threat. Hoping that maybe he got the hint.

"She has a point there, Stabler. There better not be a second disappearance act in the works. One of us just may actually kill you. Literally." Said Fin.

"And I can take a guess at who the first person would be." Said Elliot.

"With every damn reason too. I've never seen her like the way you left her. Once of that was enough. You're just damn lucky that she decided to come back to work." Said Fin.

"No, shit. And just how do you plan on fixing this horse shit of yours?" asked Casey.

"If I knew the answer to that, don't you think I would already be working on it right now?" snapped Elliot.

"Nice to know his temper is still there. That hasn't changed. If that hasn't changed then I'm sure neither has his anger management issues haven't either." Cracked Fin.

Casey was nearly on her way out the door when her and John were walking in.

"Could you do me a favor, John. And let the Cap know I went to the cribs to lay down?" asked Olivia.

"Already on it." Said John.

"No kidding, baby girl. You're looking a little pale there?" said Fin.

"I'm fine. Just a migraine that's all." Answered Olivia, walking upstairs to the cribs.

"Migraine my ass. John, what the hell happened when the two of you went to see Melinda?" asked Fin.

"Nothing out of the normal. She was fine when we were with Melinda." Said John.

"And I'm the damn Easter Bunny. Are you just that blind? She looked nothing like she does now, when she came in this morning. You didn't give any of that crap that you swear is coffee did you?" asked Fin.

"No. But thank you for thinking otherwise, partner." Said John.

"While the two of you of are arguing, do it while on your way to the park." Said Cragen. Figuring it was best not to let him near her at the moment, and as much as he knew that Elliot wanted to check on her himself, he chose to do it himself. And if he knew his detective like he thought he did, then he would just be sitting at his desk with a worried expression on his face. Not that it didn't warrant it this time.

"Don't bother to get up, Stabler. There's no way in hell, I'm letting you anywhere near her right now. So you might as well make yourself useful and start on that pile of reports on your desk. Unless that is you want to stay here all night to finish them." Said Cragen, making his own way up to the cribs.


End file.
